Hello Anxiety
Hello Anxiety,
You’ve come out of nowhere. The lights have been shut off, I’ve kissed my husband goodnight and I’ve had a wonderful day. But yet, there you are … slowly making it more difficult to breathe, and tossing 678934 thoughts into my head. Are they relevant? Are they necessary? No, but … there you are. I’ve become fully aware of every noise around me, my husband stirring, the a/c is blowing too loudly, and I’m fighting off thought after thought attempting to not get lost within them … An hour passes, my husband has fallen asleep and I remain VERY awake, struggling for that deep and fulfilling breath of air. Morning comes … still there aren’t you? I’ve completed my morning Yoga routine, I’ve had a healthy breakfast, gone for a workout - all with your accompaniment. I guess we are stuck together for the day. This wouldn’t be the first … or the last.
-November 2019
My name is Sasha Holland, and I struggle with anxiety. This is my story, or better yet, this is my never ending train of thoughts written down in hopes to understand or ease what feels like being suffocated. Is that a little dramatic? Suffocated? Perhaps, but if you’ve experienced anxiety or panic attacks before, there is no better way to describe it. It is as if someone is sitting on your chest as you attempt to breathe normally and go on with your day. It is, exhausting.
Now to be clear, I am beyond grateful for my life. A day does not go by where I am not thankful or aware of how good I have it. I have an incredible group of people that surround me. Do they support me? 1000% yes. But do they get it? I’m not sure. How could they? I don’t even fully understand it. See, that’s the thing with anxiety. It is so misunderstood and it is still so unknown. So much of it is is still hidden underneath a blanket of shame and fear. We simply understand a mere glimpse of it, some more than others, but as a whole … we have a profound amount of sharing, learning, and supporting left to do.
As a child I defined myself as a figure skater. I was consumed by the sport, and by my teenage years I was nationally ranked. My days consisted of skating, school, and more skating. I dreamt of competing in the 2010 Winter Olympics, but in 2007, my world took an unexpected turn. The summer going into grade 11, I was struck by a car as a pedestrian. In a single moment one of the most important things in my life was taken away from me … my ability to compete in the sport I lived for. In a sense I lost me, but yet the world somehow continued to keep turning. As if nothing happened. I went from being on bed rest for two months, needing help using the bathroom and relearning to move … to walking, running, and skating for fun. In other words, I physically healed. Emotionally, well that continues to be a constant battle.
To this day, I still feel I have never found my identity. I graduated University with a Kinesiology Degree, got my personal training license, trained hockey players, got married, moved across the world to Russia, started a blog, and for about 19 years of my life now, I have been a fashion model. You could say I could identify myself as a model, or a blogger, or a Kinesiologist, or a wife … but none fully resonate with me. Not the way figure skating did. I continue to grapple with this lack of identity. Some days it consumes me and I feel as though I’ve accomplished nothing in life, others I am proud of all I have endured and the things I have achieved (although small in my eyes). This loss of identity, I believe, opened the gates to my persistent battle with anxiety.
To many this may seem like something I should have let go of by now. Quite similar to the countless anxious situations where I’ve heard “just try and stop worrying about it, it’s okay” . To that I say “I really wish I could”. After all it has already been 14 years. Fact is, with anxiety, it’s not as simple as just letting go or telling yourself it’s going to be okay. Everything could even be great, and yet you still have that unsettling and slowly crippling wave of emotions telling you it’s not. Anxiety comes at both explainable and unexplainable times. Some days you’re able to ride that wave better than others, others you feel like you’re drowning. Anxiety makes you feel alone, even when you are surrounded by joy, laughter, and love. It makes you feel inadequate, self conscious, and ultimately exhausted. With anxiety, social situations can be an effort leading you to the inevitable phase of depletion as you are hyper aware, over thinking, and constantly trying to say or do the right thing.
We all have our stories, different or similar in more ways than one. But one thing I can guarantee … we are not alone. There are millions of people out there battling this relentless wave, and yet we feel so isolated. It has taken me 29 years to write out a part of my story, to share a mere glimpse of my battle. Throughout it I’ve read countless others and have found comfort in them. A dear person to me opened up about her own struggles in a very public manner and encouraged me to seek help and not be ashamed of my own mental turmoil. I will forever be grateful to her and admire her strength.
Simply writing this has allowed me to feel as if that person sitting on my chest has lost a pound or two. So for those of you who suffer from anxiety, please share, write, or talk about it with loved ones. My loved ones are still trying to understand, and I appreciate and take comfort in their support. Without it, I’d simply be in a constant undertow. For those of you who know someone with anxiety, thank you for being there for us and never giving up on trying to understand it. Please continue to educate yourselves on this as we do ourselves. Anxiety is not something to be ashamed of. We are superheroes in our own way.
Keep living, keep dreaming, keep being inspired.
xo
Sash